Saturday, October 2, 2010
Monday, September 27, 2010
Friday, September 3, 2010
I have a hidden secret that some people are learning about me. I had a still born son 9 years ago. He had a hidden heart defect that when I gave birth to him he died. I have always felt that was my fault. I know now that it wasn’t. I don’t remember the birth to much due to my brain blocking it out. I just deal with the loss as I get older. I see my beautiful little girl growing up and it makes me long to see him and have him grow up to. I wonder what could of been. Where we would be now and if our life would be different. I cry myself to sleep a lot. I feel insecure and lonely. I wonder if it is because I long to hold him.
I am often told to “get over it”. How the hell can people expect you to get over it? How can someone who has never gone through the grief and the whole gauntlet of feelings one feels when losing a child expect you to just “get over it”? I just am appalled by how some people are so careless in this world. Every year my son gets older in my heart and mind and every year I am faced with the feelings and hurt that I felt then. Time and time again I hear those words “get over it already”. Don’t people know if I knew how to get over it I would of done it already? I know people who elected to abort a child. I wonder how they live with themselves knowing they could just get over it? I feel a person needs time to grieve and cope. I was denied that until I started to remember fully what happened and what exactly took place. I am slowly starting to heal and cope with the pain that came with losing my first child. I have my daughter and plans to have more children to look forward to but forever I will miss and yearn for my son.
We are doing well. Just living life and moving forward. I am tired a lot but not sure why. I sleep at least 8 hours and I stay tired. Just another thing to deal with in life.
T is doing awesome she is doing great with reading and learning how to draw. She still has issues with her colors.
Matthew is doing well. Work has him busy all the time but we make due.
Me like I stated up in the post I am tired. I don’t feel like doing much of anything. I wish I was more motivated. Not sure how to get motivated though. Life throws me curve balls a lot. Can not wait until I can get some insurance so I can figure out what is wrong with me.
Family rarely calls or emails other then random face book chatter. I give up on it. They have my number they can call me.
Training the pooch is getting there but not there yet. We have a conference to attend so we are taking her. Yay I get 4 days to cram information into that poor pooches brain. She is smart as can be just a horrible attention span. She goes from wow mom what you want me to do to oh bug! in less then 3 seconds. I love her thou. Matthew gets aggravated because she Bays instead of barks so she sound different. I love it thou. She is my Duchess. (her name was Kallie)
Well that is all for now. I am off to do house duties. Hugs to my readers and until next time. Don’t do anything I wouldn’t do.
Saturday, August 7, 2010
2. Tuesday we had a City wide Family's night out. I went but less then an hour out there had to come home. It was to much on my stress level to stay. To many people. T was also being a turd and wouldn't listen at all.
3. Wednesday was slow. Not much done. I got sick with something to do with my sinus' it sucks. But all in all it was ok.
4. Thursday was a little more fun. T and me played but I had to rest a bit too. I am still sick but eh I hope I will live.
5. Friday was eventful. T got a book from the state book program for children. She loves it. We also (even with me sick) went to the Williamson Co. Fair in Franklin. It was fun. T is big enough to ride the bigger rides now. She had a blast. I blew my diet with Fair food. I was ok until the ride home. I had a serious sneezing fit going 70 down the interstate. I was driving. I finally got to where I could pull over for Matt to drive. It was freaking scary. My chest, neck and face hurts from this damned cold.
6.Saturday was a lazy day Matt is off work so he caught a nap. While I am sick he is cooking meals. Its funny.
All in all the week was ok besides my being sick.
Now for dog training weekly wrapup....
1. Monday- Working on Level Book By Sue Ailsby . We started the Come command and the 3 of the 4 girls have it down pretty good. Granted this is calling them from the back yard and they are starting to respond to the command. The Puppy is the one still having issues with it. She doesn't understand what I am asking for but she is 5 months old and learning. With the puppy she has learned how to sit, down and settle. Settle is our crate command. We are working on the release for that one. She has to learn "Settle Zen" before it is successful. At least she doesn't cry at night when in the crate. Now to get her to be calm when we go to let her out. She does this horrible pawing at your feet when she wants you to do something. Toe nails meeting flesh hurts! Working on that too.
2. Tuesday- Girls are getting the come command more and more everyday. Next week we plan on starting to work on just Puppy alone on a 30 + foot lead line. Wish us luck.
3. Wednesday- Zoe is starting to be more and more naughty. Poor puppy is being abused by her. We are deafinatly not leaving them alone to long. We are considering rehomeing Zoe due to this.
4. Thursday- Nova is peeing when she is laying down. Vet says it is because of the UTI we are wondering if it is incontinence. Overall good day.
5. Friday- Good day. Girls all come when called. As a group yes. Singles we need to work on it. All kiddos know their names.
6. Saturday- Grooming day. Went well everyone wanted to be combed even the very short haired pup. They are adorable. Wish I could bathe Nova her butt stinks like pee. Might get some baby wipes to help with that.
Thanks for reading. Comments welcome as always.
Beverly and family.
Friday, August 6, 2010
1. Life is _hard____.
2. _Just____ keep going.
3. My last text message (or IM) ended in these three words:_are broke again.____.
4. __Steak___ is what I'm thinking about for dinner sometime soon.
5. On the 1st day of August _I got to snuggle with my two favorite people.____
6. __Taylor___ lively and energetic.
7. And as for the weekend, tonight I'm looking forward to _quiet time and a movie____, tomorrow my plans include _training dogs, cleaning house and preparing Matt's birthday cake.____ and Sunday, I want to __Relax and get things clean for the next week.___!
Got this Meme from Friday Fill ins
I am a day late I know....
Thursday, August 5, 2010
Tuesday, June 1, 2010
When you were little, what did you want to be when you grew up?
I wanted to be a animal veterinarian. Large animal to be exact. I dreamed of either working with Large Cats or even Elephants. What happened to that dream has a lot to do with my past and I changed my dream to adjust to what I am doing now. I cherish my daughter everyday and Love being a stay at home mommy. To satisfy my want to care for animals I am a Foster mom for a greyhound adoption group called All about Hounds. My main goal in life is to raise my children to be functional and smart adults and save as many dogs as I can.
I have also become a devoted friend, girl friend, and mother because my heart wants it. I want to be the best I can be for my family now that I have gotten older. I want still to be a veterinarian but I know now that my true calling in life is to be a mother.
This is my daily blog post for NaBloPoMo.
Tuesday, May 18, 2010
First I find out a friend of mine knows of a child who goes to school with her children is dieing. Now I find out a woman who I have known of for a few years is dealing with a volleyball sized mass in her abdomen and the great wonderful state of Texas turned her away when she asked for help. This woman is a mother of 3 and a dedicated wife. She is someone’s sister, mother, daughter, aunt. They are working towards getting a fundraiser for her. Because she doesn’t have insurance she has to pay it all up front. I mean come on people get your shit together. I just am baffled by this crap. Here where I live if a woman gets something like this they help you. The hospital she was at discharged her. I REPEAT DISCHARGED HER!!!! This should of been removed as soon as it was found!!!! IT(the mass) has grown rapidly and now is pushing on organs and can kill her.
What is wrong with this system? Obama is pushing healthcare but look someone is falling thru the hoops!!!! I can’t believe this place. I mean if we were illegal aliens here we could get help. But if your white and work for yourself you can’t get SHIT. Someone explain this shit to me. I really want to understand why someone like this woman is dealing with a mass she can’t get removed that just may take her life. It is almost like no one cares. This woman is a stay at home mom that works from home. She is a dedicated mother to 3 little girls that need their mom. This shit has got to stop.
If I had the money to send to this woman to get her to a doctor I would. This woman needs a mere $500 dollars just to be SEEN. I really wish there was something more I could do. I will try my best to donate something. It may not be much but damn it I will do my best!
Monday, May 17, 2010
Taylor has been naughty for the past few weeks. This kiddo is going out of her way to get into things that she “knows” not to get into. As soon as she is caught she starts saying sorry. I swear I can’t wait until she figures out this compulsion issue. The biggest issue I have currently is not her ruining toilet paper or wasting a whole tube of tooth paste on my floor. It is her feeding grapes to the dogs. Grapes are toxic to dogs in large doses. I am not happy with the fact I will more then likely have to stop getting grapes for a while. I am trying to get us eating more healthy and fresh fruit is a big part of our new diet. Grapes are a fave in our house. I just have to stop buying them I guess. Anyone have any tips on keeping a child out of the fridge or even the kitchen in the middle of the night or early mornings. We have a baby gate up but she moved it. I am currently pricing permanent gates to go in the kitchen/living room doorway to keep the dogs in the kitchen and the kid out. I just wish my little girl was the same little girl she was last year. *sigh*
Tuesday, May 4, 2010
As some people who know me. I am currently looking for a pup to train for service work. We got a puppy but she started to show way to much aggression for what I am needing. So she is getting a home with more children and a family that will love her as much as we do.
Now, to let everyone know I am taking in a potential dog that is showing promise. She is 1 year old and a German Shepherd. I get to meet her tonight. Her name is Zoey. (a nick name I had while in High school) I am nervous and excited. I hope she is a fit. I am tired of feeling trapped inside my home and having to rely on others to go any where.
On another note. Someone contacted me about Dakota the bunny everyone in the house is showing allergies to. He will be going to an 18 acre farm with another rabbit and he will be an indoor rabbit.
I am just wanting to have things work out for my family and if that means me rehoming some of my pets then I will work really hard to find them perfect homes.
On another news front. Taylor is being a silly willy all the time. We were out working on the garden and she was playing in the yard. We haven’t mowed the back yard in a bit so when she sits down she almost dissappears. It makes me laugh so much. She wants to play outside and help me garden all the time. I love it. She loves books and nature and so feels like this is how life is supposed to be.
This past week I have been really depressed. My weight and the way I look is starting to get to me. I am really trying to get over it but its really a struggle. I want to be in a better mood I know I have things I need to get done but I just can’t do it. I am thankful for the people around me being so understanding. I am hoping getting Zoey will help with my issues.
Taylor’s home schooling is going really well. She makes such a cute attempt to say her ABC’s she counts but still tries to only say them odds only. We are working hard on it. She loves to draw and “read”. Her reading is looking at the books and making up her own stories. I can’t wait for her to actually start reading on her own. I love reading to her. I need to get her a reading program started. I might purchase a phonics system for her. I really enjoy starting her homeschooling. We are researching the right way to do it.
My biggest battle with Home school is my family. They all seem to be against it. I am sorry I don’t parent the way everyone else does. I feel Home School is a better choice for my family and I feel it is more my job to make sure my children learn.
We are working on getting her involved in Cheerleading and Gymnastics. She also keeps telling me she wants to make music. So we are starting to expose her to musical instruments so she can find one she likes if she wants to play one.
I have been working on a garden and its so not easy. I have been doing it slowly because I get out of breath with all the pollen kicking up. Taylor tries so hard to help. She will run with weeds and throw them in the pile at the other side of the yard. She is a nut most the time. Makes me laugh. I will get my camera out and start taking more photo’s soon. I just have been so down lately.
I know this is just a bunch of rambling but I haven’t blogged in so long that I just have no theme or topic anymore. I want to blog. I want to write but I keep hitting these damn writer blocks and it pisses me off.
Thanks for reading,
Friday, April 30, 2010
I just can’t figure out what to blog about or even when to blog. I just am hitting a road block all the time. Wishing I had ideas or something to write about. Taylor has hit a major temper tantrum phase and not much going on to write about. I would like to see the blog grow and become more then just an updating blog. I write a dog adoption blog also but this blog is getting neglected a lot. If anyone has any idea’s please by all means write me and let me know.
Wednesday, April 28, 2010
Well I have been sick for about 2 weeks now. Doing better everyday but my lungs and chest hurt from coughing so much. Been busy with dealing with a temperamental 3 year old and 3 crazy furKids. AAH has kept me busy too. Been going to as many functions as we can. Been putting Dove out there to get her a forever home. I have also been working on finding Taylor a Curriculum for home school.
Taylor is growing like a weed. She is being a pain on top of it. Lately she has been throwing fits and clingy to us. She keeps saying her head hurts and her body hurts. I am thinking it is growing pains. I gave her Motrin but its not easing her attitude. I hope she snaps out of it soon.
The furKids are turds as always. Biscuit and Dove are the older two and are more calm not always but most the time. Sofie is a sock eating terror and she eats them while they are on your feet! I hope she picks up the biting softly training. I want her to use her mouth that is why I am not pushing the NO biting. I want her to learn how to open doors and pick up things so teaching her not to bite would make it hard to teach her to put something in her mouth.
Matt works alot and takes to us being here pretty good. He does things with us for fun when he can. We work together to keep the house clean and He will take Taylor while I go to curves. Lately I have missed Curves due to being sick and not able to breathe.
So that is my update of sorts.
Thursday, April 22, 2010
Her being Kung fu doggie.
She is a pint sized terror in our house. We love her but lord does she hurt when she sinks in her puppy teeth.
Other then Sofie we have a foster Greyhound from a group called All About Hounds. Her name is Dove
Dove asleep with Sofie on one of our many blankets around the house.
Dove the Day I brought her home from the Vets office. She was a donor dog for 6 years of her 8 years on this world. She deserves a better home and a family to love her. She is a blessing for sure.
I am debating on college for either Web Design or Business management. Still weighing it out.
Taylor is doing well. She is going through her drama days but all is good. We plan on getting her into Cheer and possibly swim lessons. She is happy to have fun for sure.
I am doing ok. Been sick lately with a cold that has gone down into my chest. So working on getting that taken care of.
I hope everyone has a great week and I hope to start posting more.
Monday, April 12, 2010
Taylor has been wanting to be a cheerleader since before she turned 2. So, I am thinking of enrolling her in tumbling classes for summer. She really seems like she could handle the fun of it. Once she shows stress from it I am not going to press her to do it. Yes I want her to be disciplined and do a sport but I always want it to be fun for her.
Friday, April 2, 2010
I still can’t believe my little girl is 3. She has grown up so much from this little bundle to a active little girl. She makes me beam with happiness everyday I see her smile. I love the wonder in her eyes when she discovers something new. I am amazed at how much she remembers and learns everyday.
I am told by everyone around me how smart she is for 3 and how she is wonderful to be around. It blows me away. I always thought I was just biased when I said she was smarter then the average 3 year old. I am told a lot by everyone around us that she is really smart and everyone here supports the home school option we have chosen.
Taylor is over 3 ft tall and weighs in at more then 30lbs. She is tall and slender and demands to be a cheerleader. We are working to get her into gymnastics and cheerleading. Taylor is determined when she puts her mind to something. I am proud to be her mom.
Being a mom is something I didn’t really think of until I had her. She was my saving grace when I needed someone. She to this day saves me with each smile. My life is about her and her happiness.
Thursday, March 25, 2010
My friend from Bowling Green, KY is down visiting for about 4 days. I am happy to have her here.
Taylor loves her to bits and missed her. They are playing and doing Cheerleading things hehe.
My friends Nephew is a cheerleader and wants us to see his last competition in Nashville. I don’t mind going at all think it will be fun.
We are going to be going into town today to the store and sight see. Not much to see but it is something to do. I think my friend is having fun with Taylor.
Wednesday, March 24, 2010
Taylor is in a better mood for the past say two days she has been being a naughty little girl. Pitching fits and hitting are not a good thing at all. She is settling down nicely where we are living and loves Matt and life is starting to feel whole again.
I am starting to see that life was meant to be this way and that it just took me growing up and going through things to make me appreciate what I have more now. One of these days I need to give some background of who Matt is and what he has been to me all these years. Today is not that day. I want to get back into Blogging and Photography and I will work on that. Also I am going to be going back to college. I am going for a degree in Business Management woohoo!!! I am pretty proud of myself for locking down and going back. I will be doing my degree at home. Matt is very supportive of this and wants me to succeed.
We are going to work on getting things worked out on my side of life. (example number one is my divorce) I am happy to finally feel things starting to look up. I do know that I won't let myself sink low again. I need to carry my head high and do what is best for Taylor and Me.
Tuesday, March 23, 2010
Wednesday, March 17, 2010
I left Eric due to issues with anger and outburst. I felt it was better for Taylor and myself. I was starting to feel I had to walk on eggshells. I could not take it any longer and decided to move. I moved back to a place where I grew up. I am happier and T is adjusting well. She has her own space and is happier. She is allowed to be a kid and mistakes are ok.
I am sorry for the ones I have hurt and do feel deeply sorry for it. But my daughter has to come first in my life. I want nothing more then for her to be happy and worry free. I am working on getting my life put back together and in order for me to move on.
I have another blog to document my training dogs. I am seriously considering starting a business with dog training and maybe pet sitting. I will post the link when I get the site ready. I hope this finds everyone well and I truly hope this is a fresh start for me. More to come later.