Monday, September 27, 2010
Friday, September 3, 2010
I have a hidden secret that some people are learning about me. I had a still born son 9 years ago. He had a hidden heart defect that when I gave birth to him he died. I have always felt that was my fault. I know now that it wasn’t. I don’t remember the birth to much due to my brain blocking it out. I just deal with the loss as I get older. I see my beautiful little girl growing up and it makes me long to see him and have him grow up to. I wonder what could of been. Where we would be now and if our life would be different. I cry myself to sleep a lot. I feel insecure and lonely. I wonder if it is because I long to hold him.
I am often told to “get over it”. How the hell can people expect you to get over it? How can someone who has never gone through the grief and the whole gauntlet of feelings one feels when losing a child expect you to just “get over it”? I just am appalled by how some people are so careless in this world. Every year my son gets older in my heart and mind and every year I am faced with the feelings and hurt that I felt then. Time and time again I hear those words “get over it already”. Don’t people know if I knew how to get over it I would of done it already? I know people who elected to abort a child. I wonder how they live with themselves knowing they could just get over it? I feel a person needs time to grieve and cope. I was denied that until I started to remember fully what happened and what exactly took place. I am slowly starting to heal and cope with the pain that came with losing my first child. I have my daughter and plans to have more children to look forward to but forever I will miss and yearn for my son.
We are doing well. Just living life and moving forward. I am tired a lot but not sure why. I sleep at least 8 hours and I stay tired. Just another thing to deal with in life.
T is doing awesome she is doing great with reading and learning how to draw. She still has issues with her colors.
Matthew is doing well. Work has him busy all the time but we make due.
Me like I stated up in the post I am tired. I don’t feel like doing much of anything. I wish I was more motivated. Not sure how to get motivated though. Life throws me curve balls a lot. Can not wait until I can get some insurance so I can figure out what is wrong with me.
Family rarely calls or emails other then random face book chatter. I give up on it. They have my number they can call me.
Training the pooch is getting there but not there yet. We have a conference to attend so we are taking her. Yay I get 4 days to cram information into that poor pooches brain. She is smart as can be just a horrible attention span. She goes from wow mom what you want me to do to oh bug! in less then 3 seconds. I love her thou. Matthew gets aggravated because she Bays instead of barks so she sound different. I love it thou. She is my Duchess. (her name was Kallie)
Well that is all for now. I am off to do house duties. Hugs to my readers and until next time. Don’t do anything I wouldn’t do.